Don't have the mood or ability to construct any post yet, unless you want to read my dark thoughts. So here is something really close to how I am feeling now:
1. On days when I am being distant. And I can’t do anything about it. I just end up sitting here, being distant from everyone, and I have to retype all of my text messages and put extra smiley faces in there and laugh too forcibly at jokes just so I do not feel like I’m being a TOTAL beezy.
2. On the birthday of a loved one who has passed away. The anniversary of their death might be rough, but their first birthday after they are gone is the worst. I just wanted to buy you a birthday card and be able to send it to you this year. Your name pops up on my Facebook and I am reminded all day that you are not here and I cannot wish you happy birthday. People write nice things on your wall, but it is like a memorial service all over again. And I am bittersweet, because I am glad that people are missing you like I am missing you, but they do not know my pain, and I do not know theirs, and although we are going through this together, we are having different experiences. And it sucks.
3. When a song hits a little too close to home. Today’s song: Everything Has Changed by Taylor Swift featuring Ed Sheeran. And your eyes look like coming home. All I know is a simple name. Everything has changed… All my days, I’ll know your face. All I know since yesterday is everything has changed. I keep getting lost in these moments of daydream, and all I see are your eyes. The eyes I wanted to make my home. But things are changing. And not in the way Taylor is singing about. I let myself believe in something, and then I had expectations, and those expectations were wrong in the most beautiful way. But, then the reality became too real much too quickly and I quit. I gave up on you and on us, and all I know is everything has changed.
4. When I receive a nice greeting card. Now, I am not my mother. She cries sometimes for no reason, like at a happy commercial or a song on the radio or a text message. I am not that extreme. But receiving a timely greeting card can make a crappy day so much better. I feel so much appreciation when that happens, especially because someone took the time to write some kind words to me and to pick out a card that reminds them of me. It is a sweet gesture, and it is entirely underrated in our society.
5. Anytime anyone shares anything about a soldier coming home to his wife/parents/children/dogs. Dang. I can feel the love through the television.
6. When I Facebook stalk anyone I used to be close with. I often find myself wondering, “Why are their lives so happy without me?” OR “Man, I am glaaaaaad we aren’t friends anymore!” Why do I care? Honestly. Quit caring so much.
7. Every time I watch Mean Girls. And I insert myself into the story….as THE GIRL WHO DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE. “I wish that I could bake a cake made out of rainbows and smiles, and we’d all eat it and be happy…. I just have a lot of feelings.” I just have a lot of feelings, okay?
8. When I am reading my horoscope. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I’M SUPPOSED TO “BE CAREFUL ABOUT LETTING [MY] IMAGINATION RUN AWAY WITH [MY] EMOTIONS?” I DON’T DO THAT.
9. When I am saying goodbye to someone. It always feels so final. Even if I am having dinner with my family and we are driving separate cars home and that is why I am saying goodbye. I hate saying goodbye. I hate feeling like it could be the last time I say it. I cherish people too much to say goodbye.
Good night, I'll be thinking of... you. But I'll be happy because I have decided to let go. Without closure because it seems unnecessary anymore.
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