late night thoughts

Had been pushing my thoughts away and simply going to bed to avoid facing those feelings. But tonight I shall pen them down. No specific reason why. And I think it deserves to be on my blog haha. 

***

Momentarily, I’ve forgotten all the feelings. Life seems more bearable that way too. I smile, I laugh, I genuinely felt happy for the little things that happen everyday. I appreciate what I still have, I embrace what comes my way.

Truth is, loss is very new to me. I had no idea how to deal with it with my first loss, somehow some way, I settled for a thought that I will get it back, and left it like that. Second loss was when I learned that, sometimes, when you can’t help it, when you can’t control it, when it is at the point where losing is better than holding on, the sort of freedom from the loss, triumphs whatever can remain.

And right now, as I lose for the third time, I am still grasping on to any theory I find reasonable, to try to deal with it. I look back at my other life experiences and try to find a relation to anything similar, to convince myself that I have overcome that and this will be so. 

I hadn’t been able to find that. It is easy for me to look for a distraction, to temporarily disregard my feelings. But every single time my mind had the opportunity to wander to that place in my heart that is not settled for, it all rushes in at once, the pain, the aching, the sadness, the ultimate hopelessness in my beliefs. It felt like everything I had put myself to have faith in, to keep myself from breaking all these years, all shattered and vanished in one moment. The moment I never ever wish for, the moment I feared the most, the moment I never ever imagined, came so suddenly, that I am still in shock. 

Sometimes I wonder if I let myself feel this way. To submerge in the pain, to feel it all because it has been so raw and real, such fresh emotions that awed my brain. Do I ever want to turn back time? I would, but since I can’t, I do not regret any of my will to feel this way. I want to go through this. I want to be able to handle it better the next time round I meet another obstacle. 

Call me a hopeless romantic, because I see a little bit of myself in every situation I’ve watched in the soap dramas. I try to brush it off but my brain it keeps linking everything up. 

I like good endings. I want good endings. But it does not always happen. Sometimes things end abruptly midway, sometimes we reach the climax; the saddest part of the drama, and it doesn’t change to be better. It just, stops there. But it is okay. We all have to experience loss one day, it is all part of life. 

And whatever happens to this loss, I guess only the future me will know, few years down the road. As of now, I really have no clue, I don’t want to seek advice or decide on a solution;  I will take a step at a time, and slowly find out. 

side note: 02 days