Recovery in progress

It has been, 4 months since my last post. Reading it again shows me how much some things have changed, and how much some didn't. This 4 months has been a crazy ride; I graduated, I started training for my new job, I made new friends, I started dating wonderful people I never took a second glance at, I was met with challenges, I struggled to find a balance between family, friends, work, play and myself, I force myself to exit an industry I enjoyed and had so much upcoming potential for, I continue to travel and fell even deeper in love with the sky.

For the past 2 years ever since I graduated from SP, I had set a crazy resolution; to explore a new place every month. And unknowingly, I have been doing do, sometimes even twice in a month until now. Opportunity arises and I grab it. No surprise how it will become more frequent with the start of my career in a day's time.

Strangely I had a different feeling to touring, as compared to the excitement I used to feel. I'm not sure how to really describe it, but it is quite similar to how a nomad might feel, except the choice to travel is my freedom. I would miss home, and people in the city I live in, days before the trip ends, sometimes even before the trip. It is a weird feeling because people are envious of this luxury in having good time management and traveling partners yet I do not feel like I am appreciating it enough. As much as I want to decide to stop travelling to have more time with people I love, it is impossible now, after I signed the contract lol. Am still mentally preparing myself for this next phase.

Throwback to 4 months ago, I was at one of my lowest points, trying so hard to get over myself, get over the things I had believed it that will not be coming true anymore. I was a mess, I couldn't pick myself up at the snap of fingers; I didn't smile because I am happy, I smiled to make people less worried, and that had made me feel better. I was frustrated at myself but I couldn't help it.

It was pathetic, yet inevitable. When you put in your heart and soul into something, when you give everything for a hope, when it fails to become what you worked so hard towards for, you crash. Big time. And that's just the beginning. The journey to recovery, to healing, to the will to start over again is the real difficulty. It can be done, but how long it takes all depends on the external factors; the environment and the strength within.

I have tried so many ways; forcing myself, letting nature take its course, etc. it hasn't been easy. With the love and support from others, I manage to let myself see how happy I can feel if I can just look forward and move on. And to feel so, I have been forcing myself to grow up. No time to dwell, no time to reflect. There has been so much changes going on, from managing my time, money, health, to other stuff. There was no room to take a breather, to let myself feel upset. And so, from there, I become more numb. I try to keep a distance from how much I can feel, and keep it there so I can't feel more happy, but I also won't feel more sad.

If all this makes sense to you, haha.

Last year this time, I was stressed out. Moving house, holding a birthday party, studying for final examinations, doing my last dissertation, looking for jobs, facing new opportunities etc. Those were big changes, but they didn't give me the kind of emotional roller coaster I feel now. Funny how I can remember vividly the things that didn't mean much to me then, and how I feel about them now. Even if I miss those times, they're not coming back and now I am going to have happier times to make up for that. :)

8 days. No idea if I'll even be in Singapore on the day. I just came back from japan and it was a good trip. No matter what got into me to decide to go for it, I am certain I don't regret it. Compared to the last trip (few days before the previous post) I see differently, I feel differently, I smile differently. At that point in time last year, I was a wreck, and this trip, I finally see that I'm healing from the loss. The fragments of the cracks are more fine, the smiles and laughter from me is more genuine and heartfelt, and I see myself willing to believe and try to love again. I had a eureka moment that made me realize I wouldn't be there, feeling that way, if I have not moved on. Truth is, it will still hurt and it will always hurt, but how much I allow myself to wallow in the pain, is the difference, and also the answer I've been looking for. I feel ready.

Wanted to use a quote that I saw and find it very apt but couldn't find it -.-
Something about winter.

Here is another to make up for it;

要放下太多的疑惑 才能專心去快樂。